Perhaps What I Fear Does Not Exist

Director Statement: Corine Shawi

The first time I saw my dad cry was in September 2016. He had just received the news that nothing could be done for him anymore; he would never be able to walk again. In that hospital bed this film began; not from a desire to make a movie but as a way to cope with what had happened.

I found myself in the caretaker role, taking charge of my family, as I had done in 2007 with “Oxygen” a short documentary about my brother’s cluster headaches, its cause and the role my dad, my mother, my sister and I played in it.

So when my father became suddenly paralyzed, I felt it was only natural for me to bring my personal life to a stop, cancel all my projects and do everything within my power to handle the exhaustive possible solutions for this tragic change. And it was also only natural for me to point my camera in certain directions, looking for answers to questions I was afraid to ask. What if he dies? Will my mother’s prayers be answered with a long awaited miracle? Can my camera reveal improvement in my father’s condition faster than the doctors could? Am I still able to love? Will my father ever walk again? Can this family be repaired? The more questions arose, the more I hid behind my camera hoping for a change.

As those years passed, I was not able to recognize myself anymore. I had a healthy body but my soul was crumbling as I was still trying to ‘heal’ this family. So I laid all the footage I had collected onto the editing table and was put face to face with my fears. Seeing, as if for the first time, the reality of the way we lived those past 4 years. “Perhaps What I Fear Does Not Exist” travels the different times of a life in solitude on the verge of love and death.